True Neutral.

Jason did a thing about what he was thinking and now I want to as well because I never do that. Not directly. Hey! That's one of my things in DB. Circle of life, etc. One day we'll stop this literary symbiosis and find that we can stand on our own independent forms of expression without falling into solipsistic stupor. It might happen. Horrible as that sounds.

It's been a big couple of months. For several and varied reasons, but most of them are about me, so maybe they're not so varied and I'm just desperately self-justifying. It's all good. Uni begins and I'm shunted into uni life. It was hardly jarring, seeing as how I'd already foisted myself in there, pre-ingratiating myself into the larger social circles that I now operate in. It was really easy, the clubs I joined were full of people I was already familiar with. That's not to say that I'm not forcing myself to meet new people, I am. I'm in a bloody show, for God's sake. But none of it has been that nerve-racking for me. I've had two auditions so far, and despite first-year status I already knew several people in each, including the directors. And I'm going to have another in a few days, and I know both directors. Is this how student theater works? Semi-insular webs of wonderful and theatrical people all telling each other how great they are? Fuck. That sounds brilliant.

Uni is easy. Well, the parts that everyone says are difficult are easy. The work is child's play, just that there's a lot of it. No, settling into uni life was smooth and efficient, and gratifying for someone who's had trouble in the past finding a niche. I had a niche pre-found for me. How nice.

On that note. It's not entirely smooth-sailing, if I'm honest with myself. I do actually have to work hard to get everything done. And I am getting everything done, even if I've been lacking in attendance some times. Assignments get done and tutorials get attended, and I get my marks, and it's a very strange experience. I get marks pretty much exactly proportional to how much work I've done. Weird, right? Those distinctions don't make themselves, you know. I've gotten assessments back and gotten less than I'd hope for. And I've gotten assessments back and done so much better than I might have dreamed. And when I do badly (read: credit or less) I don't really mind.

It's been a few months of personal growth, of accepting weakness, and gross faults. Because they're there and I'm here to do what I'm good at while being forced to do things that I might be shit at because they're mandatory parts of the course. But I chug through them and get them all done, because I have to. And because I have to I don't really have an emotional investment in any of them. Statistics (I know, right?) is not something I really care about, so if I just barely scraped a pass I'd be okay with that. Now if I failed biology... that's a different kettle of fish. There's always more time, though. I've got 4 years to complete this double degree but we all know that I'll take more than that. I'll complete half a minor and then get bored of it, or something.

But that's just it! I'm letting myself accept small failures. Because in the long run, who fucking cares? I've listened to stories of successful post-grad students fucking up their first year, of people completely changing direction after two whole years of arts; I'm at uni to grow intellectually and personally. And I certainly am. Letting myself accept failure and mediocrity is a huge step. Hell, it's fucking colossal.

I'm forcing myself to meet people. I'm a regular in both the theater and queer student haunts, people know my name. Some people even know me before I know them, which is strange. It's not something I'm overly comfortable with, but it is supremely affirming to have somewhere to go in my spare time that isn't the lawn or the library. Where do other students even go in their breaks? I can go into either of these places and be engaged in active discussion with people I enjoy the company of (and some I might not so much) and it feels wonderful. There are people I can go to immediately and talk about how I'm actually feeling. What's uncomfortable is the fact that all of the walls I built during high school to protect myself from all of the teenage bullshit that those fuckers are still working through are being torn down, mainly by me. I can be me, because the people I see on a day to day basis aren't busy trying to become some idealised teenage wunderkind, they're just fine being themselves as well. That makes me want to cry with joy, even if the objective fact is that I'm completely back-flipping. Being withdrawn in high school was necessary because they were all so stupid. Breaking out in uni is necessary even more so because everyone is so wonderful and genuine, and I can only respond in kind.

I'm doing and saying things that I wouldn't normally do. Hopefully, in future, these will become the things that I normally do. My nature is shifting.