Collective Nouns

My father and I frequently try to outdo each other by creating more and more obscure and wonderful collective nouns. The ones that are part of the lexicon are already rather spectacular; a bouquet of pheasants; an unkindness of ravens; a rookery of seals; a generation of vipers; but surely there's no harm in a richer lexicon. This ought to shut him up for a while.

Thousands! Hundreds! Millions left unsaid!

Tens of tens and scores of men

And scorns of riled intruders

Any number of the mass of them

Couldn't stand the sight of them

A Cartesian of numbers seeming all the ruder

Rudimentaries of particles

Magnets of atoms, just let me at 'em

And all the great glorious shinings of photons

The sight of them's more stomachable

Found by you less delectable

Than what's best unseen, a bonding of protons

Well, that was mildly tiring.

Back to nature.

Metal settles with our backs to nature

Invocate this alchemical failure of permanence

Worth and dominance, fight the spread

With our backs to nature we'll soon be dead

Leaves! Branches! Eat them! Stomp!

Chomp and chain them for their shortcoming

Around to see the end of them

Hardly worth the time to see them

How can a twig have a worth or life

When a sheet is just as worth the strife of attention

Given, tensions risen! Snap the twig!

Back to nature, take a swig.

Crobat's Fear-Induced Retardation Syndrome.

This widespread syndrome is known to only affect individuals within horror/thriller movie plots. It is characterised by a complete loss of rational faculties, memory lapse, and an inability to maintain one's nerve.

Seriously. Have none of the people IN horror movies actually WATCHED a horror movie in their lives? I point my finger particularly at the teenage/young adult characters. So, all characters in all horror movies. You've all got some explaining to do.

No one is so removed from pop culture that they've never had the pleasure/misfortune to watch something truly terrifying. With that in mind there are a few things you tend to pick up. Like the ever golden "don't split up" rule. Or even better: "don't investigate that dark room alone". When you hear something, anything, any noise at all, you do not go look alone. Usually the sounds you hear are less than benign anyway: a scream, a snarling animal, dull metallic thuds and/or scraping. Do you still really feel the need to investigate? Really? Fine, go get disemboweled. What do I care? Moreover, you kind of agreed not to split up about half an hour ago. Look, I don't care how big the cheerleader's chest is, don't be a hero. Keep your trap shut, eyes forward.

Of course, they can't all be blamed: some rules are a little harder to understand. My personal favourite is what I like to call the stairs paradigm (not really, I just liked that syntax and needed some wanky bollocks to fill it). Essentially: don't go up the stairs, and don't go down the stairs. Odds are there's something on the second story of the house waiting inconspicuously. After all, you've cleared the ground floor, so you can only assume that the above-ground floor is safe as well. NO THAT'S JUST WHAT HE/SHE/IT WANTS YOU TO THINK. If you're already upstairs, it's probably laying a trap downstairs. "But the staircase leads right to the front door." Oh, if only it were so simple, you simple simpleton. Expect the worse and then some. Seriously, stay away from all staircases. They're horror movie disaster areas.
Don't be a minority. Don't be a minority of any kind. Don't be a social minority, don't be an ethnic minority, don't be a religious minority, don't be a fucking minority. Minorities are expendable. The writers need well-adjusted, straight, agnostic/vaguely-Christian Caucasian males and females to survive.
God damn stupid bitches in horror movies.

Upstairs.

Kelly made himself up a nice chateau of twigs

A marble fortress of leaves and muddied bark

He went about his business with secret smiles

Let his fortress take all the miles

And for a while he kept himself out of the dark

He came from outer space, man

Where the cold was just too much

Thought it was like some cool Freudian mess

He came down and settled in London

With the rockers, mods and such

And he wiled away the days in substance,

But I digress

Kel's wailing somewhere

And there's a tangled web of soft yellow hair

I don't know what it is but there's definitely something going on upstairs

A good man.

That awkward moment when you accidentally write something about Morrowind.

But seriously; don't expect someone to just leave if you catch them stealing something important.

The eastern door held no lock or bar

To which my dirty hands

Were unaccustomed to the far

Reaching timber strands

My tip-totalitarian creeping

Kept pace to which I stuck

And as I crept there gently seeping

Through the walls, my luck

Ran out, turn out the lights

We're having death for dinner

And blood for breakfast

Turn out the lights

My shadow stance it seemed was not

Enough to keep the pieces

Of the peace by which I strived and fought

For ages past and gone, it ceases

A twig or a rock or a rat or a lock

A click to guide their hands

The silence broke, we're out of stock

The hourglass's sands

Ran out, turn out the lights

Massacre Mondays

Slaughterhouse Sundays

Turn out the lights

The light kept low, my activity's

Best kept for darker times

A scene of humanity's wondrous lividity

But best you know my kind

You stupid shits, you'll writhe and coil

Cut a good man's trade

So don't expect those greetings when you foil

A good man and his cover fades

Out of sight, turn out the lights

We're having death for dinner tonight

Don't turn on the lights

Now you're thinking with portholes!

And they say I don't work enough in maths.

Reveal your eyes

Your shiny

White rimmed

Wide brimmed

Portholes to the soul

You shut your mouth

Your deadened croaked

Whiskey soaked

Direct open line

To your mind

Cover your head

Your sanctum's core

The memory store

The fight to shut out

The light

Open your legs

Your rusty gates

A hunger's sate

Spread them apart

Straight up to your heart