SO MANY BIG WORDS OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD

Just to counteract the sheer verbosity of the wall of text below, I titled this somewhat simplisticly.

It would be a gross understatement to say that I know a lot of people, and that a lot of people know me. It would be similarly insufficient to say that I have a lot of friends, and a lot of people are/like to think they are friends with me. Well connected? Good God, I'm well connected! But if you'll bear with me through a little more wild pretension, I'll share a little personal revelation with you.

There's always been affectation surrounding me. Always. Putting on airs is a laugh, and maybe I do it sometimes to manipulate/irritate people, maybe that's the case; I've been prone to an affective manner all my life, and I've begun to question why that is. I can see myself doing it too, there isn't any ascertainable problem with it as far as I'm concerned. It does tend to lead to some sticky situations, and in the past dramatic and compulsive lying, but the affectation helps me deal with people; it's what I do to take myself down/up to other people's levels. And if I can do that, I can get along with anyone (except the particularly horrible and/or stupid), something I had trouble with as a child. It seems only natural that I would seek out a method of communication expansion as it were in my developing years. So that question is somewhat taken care of: I go about with an affective manner because it's easier to relate to more people that way.

All this flowery prose is hurting my brain, oh well, just a little more to go, I think... maybe.

And the revelation? It relates to the recent ability I've uncovered to distinguish between the true me and the affective me, the difference between who I am and who I turn into. In the recent past, I met a boy with whom I felt no affectation was necessary: there was a wonderful level of comfortability in his company. I could let fly a truly bare-faced, unadulterated me, something normally reserved for my family. Hopefully, I/we will pursue this friendship further in the future. Two or three years ago I befriended a boy at school with whom I felt comfortable (though in the very recent past this has lessened somewhat) simply being myself. It's sad that our rapport has deteriorated, partially due to his incessant shouting of 'fag' as a term of endearment and greeting, and doesn't seem to understand why this upsets me even as I explain to him. Our friendship was interesting: there was affectation, maybe a lot even, but it was a shared willingness to indulge in a powerful alteration of ourselves from time to time that made us socially compatible. We enjoyed being haughty snobs together even if it wasn't really who we were. I still do, as long as he doesn't call me 'fag'. Finally, there's a girl. My perhaps on-and-off best friend for several years now. I love her, dearly, but our geographical distance makes it difficult to maintain contact, since I really do hate talking on the internet to most people even if I enjoy their company in the flesh. She's wonderful. We're wonderful together. Despite the vast chasm of difference that separates us, we soldier on and make silly noises at each other across the room, just because we can. I love her.

It's with these three people, and perhaps one or two others that I cannot discern as of yet, that I haven't detected any subconscious affectation. And that's a wonderful thing to realise. I don't need to alter myself to get along with them perfectly well, not in the slightest.

That's longer than I expected it to be. Note to self: stop using the word 'somewhat'.